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Wanna hear a pickup line? ***HONK HONK HOOOOOONK HONK HOOOONNK*** | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I used to be a missing cat Now I'm in a band | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
"1st day at school" Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" . Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is the difference? What its the difference between a quarter and a guy? Neither gets had when you want tail | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why are wedding dresses white? So the dishwasher matches the stove. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Girl: We have a mayor. Do you? Horse: Sure! Girl: What do you call it? Horse: Same as you do. Mare! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
This jokes called, "Chumbawama" and it starts out really nice, but if you want to know the punch-line..... Hey...buy the rights. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
So if you look at the shelf in the room that the main character wakes up in at the beginning of the game, if you look at the titles and you put them in reverse order and you take the first letter of each of the titles, it spells the name of the game. It's pretty cool, right? I haven't slept in three days. I think my fa... | tiktok_standup |
I asked mom once how she knew dad was "the one". "because," she replied, "DNA tests don't lie." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Got Mexican takeout My wife wanted a chicken burrito, but they gave her steak. She wasn't irritated; apparently it was pretty good. Me: So you weren't annoyed by their mis-steak. She pretended she didn't think I was hilarious", 'response': "It's so charming"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I met a beautiful girl when I went on vacation a few years ago... We got along great and she even showed me her boobs. I don't know why I brought it up, it's a distant mammary. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I think they need to come out with an R rated Toy Story where the mom's sex toys all come to life too. The theme song should still be "You got a friend in me". | Maximofn/short-jokes |
So basically, I'm a. you know I'm Danish, but I'm not fluent in English. but I'm trying to learn English. I'm trying to be fluent in English and one of the things I've learned about your language is that you have one massive flaw in your language. okay, You have the words grandmother and grandfather, but from those two... | tiktok_standup |
How did the urologist ruin his Christmas? [OC] He looked inside Santa's sack. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather's pubic hair than "pull an all-nighter" with you. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Dad joke straight outta compton My buddies and I have a group chat going. One guy mentions how he downloaded Dillon Francis' new album and how shared it with us on Facebook. I asked him if he had Dr. Dre's new album so I could get it, but he said he forgot to look it up", 'response': 'Another dude in the ... | shuttie/dadjokes |
I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said "Hi Jack." He shot me. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
For the last time, I don't have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn't believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My dog wouldn’t stop chasing people on bikes. It got so bad that I had to take the bikes away. Edit: “Grammar” | reddit/r/jokes(score=139) |
What is a priest's favorite snack? Little boysenberries. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
review of outside: too many other people, bugs will attack you randomly, pizza only available in certain areas 0/5 would not recommend | Maximofn/short-jokes |
"Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names" - WTF? I've been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
*I throw u a kiss* *u duck* *it flies into space* [6 bn yrs later - the planet Xargx] LORD ZARG: Kill the- *kiss hits his cheek* LZ: Aww nvm | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the Red Queen say at the orgy? "Off with their heads!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Consuming alcoholic beverage is prohibited in my office! So I sit down with root beer on a square table sometimes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Now that Platini has been banned from football... Who's going to make all the sticker albums? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the short vampire like to gamble? Because the stakes were high! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I accidentally locked my keys in the car across the street from an abortion clinic... .... I yelled, "Hey! Anybody got a hanger?" The protesters chased me for three blocks. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why can’t a Dog operate a M. I Machine', 'response': 'I don’t know, But Cats can'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A girl tells her parents she's going to major in psychology "Hey mom! Hey dad! I'm gonna study a real science! PSYCH!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
About what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why do feminists make bad mass shooters? Because they always give a trigger warning. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a Ford and a tampon? The tampon comes with a tow rope. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Ferguson PD plans on removing all German Shepard k-9 units Turns out Germans aren't the problem. They're going to replace them with coon dogs | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the black hole say to the pulsar? I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Vincent van Gogh called... He wants his ear back... so that he can hear you on the telephone. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Roses are red, violets are blue When I listen to Metallica, my neighbours do too | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
Do you know that feeling when you walk alone in the streets but you're scared that someone is following you behind. so you always like look behind you, but then you remember that you're actually the psychopath. | tiktok_standup |
The gay lover of Emperor Palaptine ....is insidious. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals ? He went down really well ! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My family can't decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws. I won, so we're getting a Meth. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between Marmalade & Jam You can't Marmalade you cock up a chicks Ass | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Man, it's so cold outside.. I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets | reddit/r/jokes(score=1778) |
{'question': 'I got pulled over the other night and the officer asked to see my pupils', 'response': "I told her I wasn't a teacher"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter. 3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a pothead and a gay Muslim? Potheads get stoned by choice. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Did you know every can of Busch's baked beans has exactly 239 beans", 'response': "Just one more and it'd be too farty"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Anyone else want to join my all Mexican tribute band? We are called Juan Direction. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
So, Don, darling, what do you do? I am a secretary in the ICU. A secretary in the ICU, Wow. So you make people who, oh, wow, and you're really anxious about it. So you, you do the paperwork. or you make them do the paperwork, or you just wear the cute outfit. I do the paperwork and I move patients out. You move patient... | tiktok_standup |
You know what kills me? Weapons. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims' hands into turkeys this time of year. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I'm gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive". | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I don't ever use my blinker. It's nobody's business where I'm going. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What can turn a fox into an elephant? A marriage certificate. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden', 'response': 'The plot thickens'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
My reddit secret santa gave me what I have really been wanting for quite some time now.... They fucked me. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? With a porcupine the prick is always on the outside. | reddit/r/jokes(score=53) |
{'question': 'So my dad and I stopped next to a cemetery getting ready to go on a dirtbike ride. Me: A cemetery. huh. Dad: Yep. I guess you could say people are dying to get here', 'response': 'Me: sdjfiojsdiofajdiafjioadsjf *slowly dies inside*'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why is dark spelt with a 'k' and not a 'c'? Because you can't 'c' in the dark | reddit/r/jokes(score=1446) |
{'question': 'I have a fear of speed bumps, but', 'response': "I'm slowly getting over it"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A Roman walks into a bar and says "Hey Niko! It's your cousin Roman, let's go bowling." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The lesbians next door got my a rolex I think they were a bit confused when I said I wanna watch | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Do you know how much space fungi need to grow', 'response': 'As mushroom as possible'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I'm the only child, so I'm the one growing up that answered the phone. so when a telemarketer would call my house, they'd say, hi, is your dad there? this is AT&T and we'd like to offer you long distance service. and I said, oh, no, my dad's deaf. and he'd say, oh, uh, I'll try again later. I was going to call and say,... | tiktok_standup |
My friends think im a magician when I make chocolate disappear... But little do they know, i'v got a few Twix up my sleeve... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I like Harry Potter? 934, kidding, I meant Emma Watson. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What type of pants does super Mario wear', 'response': 'Denim denim denim'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
When someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life, let them go. I'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them, though. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because "10 and 2" is 12 | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Dear Mr. Trump, thank you very much For all of the new gifs and new memes last night at the debate. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with soccer So I said "On loan or permanent transfer?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What language do cats speak? Catonese | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My grandma just broke her hip farting! #EpicFrail! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My friend William joined the army He is uncomfortable with the phrase "Fire at Will" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Accordion to a recent survey, most people don't notice when a musical instrument is inserted into a sentence. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Just make yourself a big thing. cool. You know what the most aggressive bear is. You know what the most dangerous bear is? Do you guys know Polar Polar? Yeah, I was going to say white, but you're polar. Where did polar bear come from? you know, You have no problem calling them black and brown bears, you know. but All o... | tiktok_standup |
When Jedi characters get divorced Do they call it deforced? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My girlfriend screamed accusingly, "You're just a typical man! Always thinking with your dick!" I shot back, "Ok smart ass! Blow my mind!" | reddit/r/jokes(score=59) |
I applied for a job in the adult industry once But I couldn't find a good position. | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
So, I saw Simba walking today.. and he was walking too slow. So I told him "C'mon! Mufasa"! Edited for a bit more for clarity.. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
People are often shocked when I tell them I'm single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes? One is a bunch of cunning little runts... | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
A guy enters the pharmacy... Guy: 5 packs of condoms please. Cashier: Do you need a bag with those? Guy: Don't worry she's pretty. | reddit/r/jokes(score=52) |
I was going to drive to the shop to pick up some guacamole... ....but I don't avocado. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What happens when you give Viagra to a politician? They get taller | reddit/r/jokes(score=36) |
I shit my pants the other day. Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors... business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How can you tell if a package is gay? It cums in the male | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Hey, can you take out the trash and wipe down the counters, please? What I said: can you take out the trash and wipe the countertops? Uh, exactly, actually. Uh, why- why did you say what? if you heard me, Did you hear me or did you not hear me? Well, actually I did hear you. It just took about three seconds for my wee ... | tiktok_standup |
--Whenever I am down in the dumps, I buy a new hat. --So that's where you get them. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Hey, did you hear about Apple's next iPhone. Yeah, isn't it going to be the 6S. Yup. Apple is hoping that it will be a huge. 6S", 'response': ':D'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How did Moses make his tea. Hebrew it. This is not a joke Israel. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How can you tell when Halloween is coming too soon? The sight of premature Ejack-o-lanterns in the neighborhood. I'm a Dad so this joke is OK | Maximofn/short-jokes |
People of Reddit, are you all alright? No. You are all all left | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
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