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{'question': 'What kind of magic trick does a hip hop dancer do', 'response': 'Abraca-DAB, bruh'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I used to know someone who was addicted to drinking brake fluid They said they could stop at any time. | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
What do you get if you cross a giant hairy monster with a penguin? I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'I gave marijuana to a cow', 'response': 'The steaks were high, but it was worth it'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
If there is anything that chicken noodle soup and DayQuil won't cure, it's probably like, really serious or something. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did one volcano say to the other? " i lava you " | Maximofn/short-jokes |
half Arab and half Irish, which means I'm- I don't know, I guess- Italian It's actually. it's actually really good as a comedian to be Arab and Irish, because if I ever bomb a gig I'm like, well, that's in the genes- Half Arab, half Irish. It's actually a very sexy combination. It means that I am both pale and hairy, A... | tiktok_standup |
Why can't the bishop walk straight? Cause he can only move diagonally | Maximofn/short-jokes |
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" | reddit/r/jokes(score=108) |
What does the Alt-Right drink? White whine. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Girl was towelling her wet pussy, she enjoyed it and started rubbing it vigorously... Until the pussy cried MEOW and ran away. Always be kind to animals..!! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call it when plants bang? Floral sex. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim? I'm Mohammad than you | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Velcro What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's a Norwegian's favourite car? A Fjord Fjesta | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a Snickers and my girlfriend? Snickers satisfies. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
On this new /j thing im really back and forth on it | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why kind of women do Australian Firefighters get? Hose | reddit/r/jokes(score=27) |
Your momma's so fat... she's diabetic. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Being successful is like being pregnant.. ..Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you've been fucked. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the boy with no legs and arms get for Christmas? Cancer | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea | reddit/r/jokes(score=23) |
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318." | reddit/r/jokes(score=29184) |
What is the Pirate's favourite musical instrument? A guit- ARGGHHH | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
We live outside of Dallas. now We're out in the country And I got her to move out there because it's like a better school district And I wanted my son to go to school out there. I don't want him to go to school with like a bunch of thug ass beans. you know, Yeah, I need better words. No, no cowboy boots here. That cowb... | tiktok_standup |
And then God said, "Let there be Black Friday." and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says the glass is half full. The reposter says the glass is half full | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee? Because in space, no one here use cream. | reddit/r/jokes(score=95) |
Y'know, the KKK actually do have some good points on their hats | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar and change the lightbulb. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Ever been half way through eating a horse and start to think..... I wasnt as hungry as I thought | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Cheap date idea: cut open a pack of hotdogs & squeeze the juice over your lover's body then summon a peregrine falcon with your mind. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did Hillary Clinton had her campaign chairman John Podesta send the crowd home from the Clinton HQ? She 'accidently' deleted the email with her consession speech. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Fun prank: Just leave random "I'm sorry I hit your car" notes on people's cars and watch them look for a non existent dent. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you know that insanity is hereditary? You get it from your kids. | reddit/r/jokes(score=26) |
Just explained the Higgs Boson to my friend even tho I don't understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call one black on the moon? Problem. What do you call ten blacks on the moon? Problems. What do you call the entire black population on the moon? Problem solved. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What’s the difference between a doctor and a priest', 'response': 'When the dr touches your nuts it’s strictly business'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins. They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. ( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. ) | reddit/r/jokes(score=27) |
Did you guys hear about that crazy thing Trump said at the debate last night? I couldn't believe it. He said "Ohio is a spectacular place." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
On this day in 1947 Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, whereas Obama did nothing for America in ALL of 1947. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What does a blind magician say? “Is this your card?” | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
If you think I'm a big Supertramp fan.. you should take a look at my girlfriend! | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
What do you call a bulimic magician? Hurlin' Merlin | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Two snowmen decide to have cake for dessert. One snowman spits some out saying it tastes like boogers. The other snowman says', 'response': 'Well, it’s carrot cake'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why do all black people go to heaven? The Son is attracted to black | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig | Maximofn/short-jokes |
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Gets me every mime. A mime comes home to find his wife in bed with another man. Turning to him, she says', 'response': "Oh, don't act so surprised"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Did you hear the joke about the bees? Its a bit long to tell you now but I asure you it was very honey! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn't help | Maximofn/short-jokes |
ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died | Maximofn/short-jokes |
i guess my favorite book would haveta be "being and nothingness"... i was halfway done before i even started reading. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned? A philosopher. Cuz he's a deep thinker. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My friends called me over for a threesome fuck party I told them that if I had to disappoint two people at once, I'd rather have dinner with my parents | reddit/r/jokes(score=125) |
{'question': "Doctor: Aren't you happy sir. You're getting twins", 'response': "Me: I don't know, who would want the same gift twice"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What is a porn star's favorite allergy medicine? (NSFW?) Bend'n'dryl | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids. After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything. The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I jus... | reddit/r/jokes(score=100) |
{'question': 'I was at the grocery store with my girl friend and picked up a cantaloupe Looked right at her and said, babe, how many times do I have to tell you', 'response': 'We cantaloupe'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
If I had a dollar for every gender.... I'd have two dollars. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Dad cracked this one at the dinner table. http://i. imgur. com/HNXIbbp', 'response': 'jpg'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What is a Canadian's favorite nirvana song? All Apologies | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You're like Ellie, what are you not? What the fuck are you doing? I just climbed to the sand. she went Like someone wasn't gonna be able to fucking see you. you dumb bitch. That was amazing. Fucking Elbies. Oh, you're not those cunt sayer. Fucking hell, lad, there's always, Is it? Oh, hey, shh, Is it a group? Let's jus... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'I told my dad I burned my buns making hamburgers', 'response': 'He told me to stop sitting on the grill'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Where does a redditor's slutty girlfriend hide her other boyfriend? Idaho. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
We wanted to bury our cat Ivy under our ivy but it was too thick to get through so we renamed it dumpster instead. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
to try really hard to not stutter because I don't know what that's going to look like. So I don't want to give someone who's volunteering tremors. I don't even want to see what her interpretation of that is. It's going to offend me a lot. I don't want to just give someone Tourette's. That's not fair. You can't just han... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'Did you hear about the latest thing Donald Trump is trying to do. He’s planning to ban shredded cheese', 'response': 'He just wants to make America grate again'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
The British Islamic Association has said there is no longer room for extremists within their mosques... Although a waiting list has been set up. | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
A man is talking to God. A man is talking to God. The man: "God, how long is a million years?" God: "To me, it's about a minute." The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?" God: "To me it's a penny." The man: "God, may I have a penny?" God: "Wait a minute." | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants? It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
What is the difference between a bag of cocaine and a four year old? Eric Clapton wouldn't drop a bag of cocaine out the window | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Everyone is surprised when I tell them I've never seen the movie fight club I don't see what the big deal is. No one really talks about it. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What happened to the boy who ran into a window He was in serious PANE | Maximofn/short-jokes |
WHAT'S BETTER THAN A ROADMAN!!!!!!??? A ROADMAP!!! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Jessica Biel's dad's first name is Batmo. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Want to hear a joke? The Ghostbusters Remake | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Watching a film about Princess Diana.. And Diana says "if we are lucky we will grow old" and my sister turns around and says bluntly and without a hint of a smile, "you won't" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did 20 do when he got hungry? 28 | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Beer is mankind's best invention ever, but the wheel is the most revolutionary. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a deaf gynaecologist? A lip reader | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a grunge gardener? Hedgy. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Making plans with a stoner is like having sex with a prostitute... ...They tell you they're coming, but you know it's a lie. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I was going to tell you a time-travel joke... ... but someone reposted it, so you will hear it then. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'A mexican magician was about to finish up his set He turns to the audience and say I will now disappear without a trace', 'response': 'Uno, dos *POOF*'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How do you know accountants have no imagination? They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We'll be naming her tomorrow. Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Our local politician just opened a neighborhood pharmacy store', 'response': 'He is now a piller of the community'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Witch Doctor Barbie ...with potions and face paints | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the first thing Michael Jackson did when he walked into a Chuck 'E' Cheese? Beat it. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs | Maximofn/short-jokes |
It's Earth Day... FUCK Uranus! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Wife: Do you want some dinner? Me: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why is the letter E lazy? Because it's always in bed. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What garbage product placement. I mean I get what they're doing here, fine Volvo, like it's a big deal, but I mean it's just so nonsensical. it fits perfectly with how nonsensical toilet is. guys, we have so so little time to get around practically the whole planet to get enough witnesses to stop us all being murdered.... | tiktok_standup |
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